AC 180: The De-Douching of Anderson Cooper

From the outpouring of emails, IMs and text messages from my gay constituents, and I don't mean gay in any pejorative way, I mean the people who read this blog who play tummy sticks or scissors sisters, I am doing a 180 on Anderson Cooper.

Ok...it's true that they threatened to cancel my fundraiser. But, that's not why I'm going the other way here. Something happened last night when that Anderson was not there to host AC 360...I felt a little sad. I swallowed 3 perks, after 2 beers and wrote this:

O silver fox
With steely eyes painted blue
The guy with forehead wrinkles?
Yeah he's got those too!

I wonder if you'd be so kind
To allow a drunken mustache to rewind
And taken back the "fact" I said you're a douche
As to not offend my friends who are poufs

Now that I think of it
O how they're right
Anderson-mustache sandwich?
Let the fellas have a bite

Or nibble, or tickle or two
There ain't no AC 360 without a silver fox like you

Hoping for funds,
J-Stache



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NEW DOUCHE SUPER GROUP: THE FLAME BOTS

I was approached by a label that will remain nameless to A&R a new douche super group being built around A-Rod, Dane Cook and Anderson Cooper. Seems like the "music" is going to be hip-hop beats against banal news and limp dick jokes. I spent an hour in a meeting debating whether Anderson should go by the moniker "Da Coop" or "A to Iz-C" given recent trends in male tastemakers aged 16 to 25.

We broke for lunch and I managed to lick up a whole sheet of acid for "inspiration". Gay Fundraiser, you're my only hope!!! Save me from the record machine!!!

Waiting for acid wave,
J-Stache


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KANYE WEST: IDIOT TALKS

Upon the release of his "book", Kayne gleefully declared himself a "proud non-reader". I have told you about the dangers of goatees in the past. I've even given you douches the keys to the kingdom, yet when a goateed Idiot Talks, some hack found it fit to publish. Oy vey.

You can have a goatee, which I shall hence forth call a cock-target, and have talent. But talent sucks, I'm talking genius. MUSTACHIOED FUCKING MADMAN GENIUS HOMES.

I don't know shit about physics except that Einstein's stache proved that space and time are variable and the speed of light is constant. 60 years later, with the aid of a fistful of "special medicine" I proved that rock n' soul can and must be mixed for man to achieve his full potential.

MUSTACHES 1,000,000 COCK-TARGETS 0

F-Kayne,
J-Stache


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HIRED AND FIRED IN THE SAME WEEKEND

Well friends. I'm unemployed again...and I don't give a fuck. I'm happy to rely on my gay friends and their fundraiser to keep me in weed.

My "sponsor" Doug got me a job at low-end department store that shall go nameless as I'm contacting my lawyer re: suing the fascists; firing a mustache for sexual perversion has got to be against some statues on retardation somewhere, yes?

Well, Friday was my first day. I snapped this photo of a sweet pair of fun bags over a changing stall wall on Saturday, got blown out Sunday. The fact they made we work the whole day before getting pink slipped was just cruel.

Dog track anybody?

Your mother,
J-Stache


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I KEEP CLEAN WHERE IT COUNTS

I think you should too. You wouldn't put a dirty dish back in the cabinet, right? So why are you putting that bagel back brown love? Do the right thing, invest in some wipes and make your next party that much fresher.

You're welcome.
J-Stache


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GAY PEOPLE...YOU OWE ME!!!

For real though! Where would the whole gay movement be without the mustache??? Where would the mustache be without me?? Right!!!!

I'm for equality and social justice. Like, I gave to you, NOW FUCKING GIVE TO ME!!!

Gay people. I'm interested in you throwing a fund raiser for me. Certainly, I'll make an appearance on the promise of no funny business. If I am unavailable given my commitment to any number of illicit substances or alleged legal problems, I accept PayPal at ridethemustache@gmail.com.

Thank you,
J-Stache

Post Script.
S.A.T Question Committee take note! Rosa Parks is to Civil Rights as J-Stache is to LGBT Rights


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POEM FOR APPLE BUTTS

Sweet Lordy, Lordy
That's a dangerous butt hook
From the small of back
You launch one explosive tush

Of onion
Of apple
Of challah bread bump
Is this what the kids mean when they say "lady lumps"?

I want to watch you do squats
Let's do a couple of max out sets
Don't mind me darling
I'm just in the corner, pounding out my own reps


Post script:
Jessica Biel, please email me again. The rash is gone and I promise to get John Oates on the phone.

Waiting,
J-Stache


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