A-HA BITCHES!!!!!! IT ALL STARTS TOMORROW

For anyone out there who doubted the strength of my pimp hand, you can go ahead and kiss my grits after tomorrow. Yes, yes. Don't worry. I've been rotating my undercarriage regimen between Gold Bond and Monistat, with a every third day a "rest cycle". All that's needed now is a high shine with a soft shammy and you're in the lap of luxury.

Tomorrow on Funny or Die, I've agreed to air a videotape that I've been hiding under a stack of of German porn for a good while now. While there's no cash over the barrelhead this time, I'm told that each view will equal half a perkie for me. So...you greasy moose knuckle's, spin the video and I promise to share my booty. And by booty I mean treasure, not buttocks.

Waiting for The Stern Show invite,
J-Stache

EDUCATION FIRST

Let it be known, I take woman's health issues very seriously. We all have a part to play in stopping breast cancer dead in its tracks. Nothing is more powerful than early detection. Please study this video well and reach out at ridethemustache@gmail.com if you need more info.

Fightin' mad for healthy titties,
J-Stache

TEEN GIRL FALLS IN OPEN MANHOLE

A good example of the potentiating power of natural selection.

Hit 'em up Charlie Darwin,

J-Stache

Post-Script: Yes I was expecting something totally different by the title as well.

SMOKING JACKO'S BONES

I took a piss next to Michael once during a goofy recording session. Thimble cock. Real shame.

Anyway, I'm angling through some 80's buddies to get a look at the corpse. Actually, I want to get a bone, mash it up and smoke it. The Batchshuiti Tribe of Zimnobi believe that you can channel the "mana" of a man by smoking his bones (don't send me your pouf emails, I don't mean that kind of bone smoking).

I WILL AGAIN DOMINATE RADIO AND TV, AND OTHER MEDIA MEDIUMS THAT HAVE YET TO BE INVENTED...SOON.

Waiting for the rush,
J-Stache

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE

I got a stern email from a woman named Suzie Fetterstein. Apparently, she suffers from some kind of mustachiophobic complex. I forwarded her my shrink's info, Dr. Sucio Sanchez. I hope she finds the help she needs.

Here is a bit of her rant:

"...How dare you!! You are filthy bastard! ALL MUSTACHES ARE EVIL!! And you, you're the worst of them all!! Rock n' soul???!?!? The devil's kitchen I say! I'm personally building a stockpile of razorblades to remove your blight from the face of the world. Of course, now that John Oates is clean-shaven, he can thankfully be spared. In closing, fuck you and your kind!!"

This letters shows the dangers of sexual repression and an overall lack of weed in the bloodstream. Can we find love? Can we get together? All we are saying...Suze..., is give peace a chance!

Summer of Love,
J-Stache

Post script: Yes of course I put a flaming bag of dogshit of Suze's doorstep. One tab of acid doesn't make you a hippie.

CASTING COUCH: WANT TO BE A STAR DARLING?

Hey pretty ladies! I'm casting some movies this coming Monday. You want the world to know who you are? You want glamor, riches, and all the cocktail weenies you can eat? Send head shots and your list of credits to: ridethemustache@gmail.com. Be open to coaching and available for a two-day shoot.

I've been making chicks famous since '76.

J-Stache

I'M FUCKING FAMOUS AGAIN BITCHES

I swing a man hammer ladies. That means I'm dangling 7 while at rest. And in recognition of my overall King of Swing title-holding-ness, someone out there on the inter-net started a Facebook Fan Page to honor me.

Normally, I'm not given to emotional outpourings and other pouf shit. But friends, when I received notice through my probation officer that the page was created, I wept on the should of a 3-strikes lifer Crip. We all have feelings.

If the 00s are to be anything the 70s, I shall expect an influx of topless photos from all your lady friends. Of course, I'll take bottom shots too: ridethemustache@gmail.com

Mazel to me!
J-Stache