MORE LESSONS IN SCISSORING

Some ladies need to a few sessions of wrestling to get into the act. This is to be celebrated and supported, providing you establish some easily recognizable "safe words" and plenty of lotion.

Watching the wheels,
J-Stache

SCISSORING: A BATTLE OF BUMPING

I happen to be very popular with the lesbian community. I didn't ask for the honor, but accept it willingly. Everybody needs a voice. They chose me homes, deal with it.

I've received several questions from my readership over the last several days regarding my research in the field of tribbing (also known as scissoring amongst the lipstick lezentines).

Despite the silly rumors, I never claimed to have invented scissoring. However, I can say that I've perfected its safe application. Gone are the "brush fire" days of the 70s when a disco bush could literally go up in flames from poorly executed clam sanding.

I'll be holding an lecture series detailing advancements in scissoring over the past 20 years. All hot ladies 18-24 are welcomed to pre-purchase a seat in series for the low-low price of $56. Paypals and pictures to ridethemustache@gmail.com

Bump-n-hump,
J-Stache

LOVELY RITA!

Now, as most of your will readily admit, most militaristic chicks are bull dikes. That's not a knock against them in any way. Paunches, buzz cuts and over-sized diddle bits. I get it man.

But every once and a while, a rogue wave comes through and clears the Indigo Girls off the deck. Support the troops I say, especially the rare hot chick in green. I'd recommend some QUEENING and BOOT WORSHIP

Be loving but firm,
J-Stache

FEIST...I WANT TO TAME YOUR SHREW

Feist has me unable to pen poems. Too much beauty. She's left me on Dylan's door, pining for refuge in her Great White North. Fiest...let's make hairy babies who can rip harmonies and write hits.

Go for Bob:

The drunken politician leaps
And the saviors who are fast asleep,
They wait for you.
And i wait for them to interrupt
Me drinkin' from my broken cup
Open up the gate for you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

At your service Leslie,
J-Stache

FUPA: THE PAIN OF PREJUDICE

I'm loathe to turn my personal recovery journal into a place for polemics. But sometimes, you've got to take a stand for what is right. You've got to fight power with a fist full of love. Ghandi. MLK Jr. J-Stache. Still we march on.

Now. Many of you scum sucking prick fucks have cast Jessica Simpson out of the hot chick caste because she has grown a gunt, or as I was raised to refer to this fatty deposit atop the pubic region, a FUPA.

You lazy bastards. Just because you have to go over the hill and down the valley to get into Jessica's garage these days doesn't mean she's no longer hot. In fact, most of my top lays were full-figured gals.

STOP FUPA PREJUDICE TODAY! WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN, OUR FUPA WEARING CONGRESSWOMAN, AND STOP THE GUNTIST REGIME IN ITS TRACKS!!

Fight the power,
J-Stache

PAINTING MY WAY BACK

Dr. Sucio Sanchez has me painting again. I'm supposed to free associate images to take my mind off the pills and booze. Get connected to my creativity. Sharpen the senses.

As you might expect, I'm something of a genius with the brush. But I don't do pantie waist landscapes. Fuck you. I get into the heart of the matter. Down in the gutter with the hustlers and jesters. Jam a stick down. Pump in some truth.

This piece expresses the duality of man. We're naked and muscled with nothing but choice and chance to make our way. Dr. Sanchez suggested this had some homoerotic undertones. Frankly, I can't see how.

Wondering what will be,
J-Stache

EXPERIMENTAL METHODS: QUITTING VICODIN

I've been battling the dragon friends. Dr. Sucio Sanchez has me doing the journal again. We've been working on some experimental methods for quitting that bitch. Here are a couple of suggestions for when the urge to pop a vikki-tikki-tock gets beyond the normal shrill:

1. Pay a midget to wire scrub your taint
2. Find a midget demented enough to wire scrub your taint for free, make a friend for life
3. Watch this video on Vicodin and get a contact buzz from the calming affect of Ms. Thing-Thang's voice. Works best with midget present.

I'm hoping we flesh these out a bit more over the next couple of sessions.

IT WORKS, SO KEEP WORKING IT!
J-Stache

SAVING RELATIONSHIPS ONE POKE AT A TIME

I've received a landslide of emails from boyfriends & husbands over the past 2 weeks. These poor fellows are in relationships with ladies who can't seem to find satisfaction without a tickle from yours truly. I've done a couple of house calls and can proudly say I've save some marriages.

But I can only pound these tier two chicks so much. For fuck sake man, I'm famous.

Fear not, I have a solution. For those still needing my services, send $1,796.99 via PayPal to ridethemustache@gmail.com. I will send you a hand-made cast of my man hammer. And, I'll signed it free of charge (rare). I've contracted services from the good folks at "Clone-A-Willy", so you rest assured, we're talking a quality dong.

For an additional $447, I'll include an audio tape of me talking shit to your lady which, of course, you can play while vigorously plunging away with my signature series faux-cock.

At your service,
J-Stache

REAL STACHES V. DILL BAGS

I'm organizing The Million Mustache March. We must spring into action in the face of coin sack douche cakes like Dr. Phil who, with the smug little lip dusters, are giving ass-kickin', panty-poppin', man-hammer-swingin', rock-n-soul-shakin' REAL MUSTACHES out there like me a bad name.

Meet up tonight. 11:59PM. Look to the skies for my sign...some straight Soc v. Greasers rumbleness bitches.


Doing it for Johnny,
J-Stache