SLOW RUNNER: I FIND HITS BITCHES

Fuck Clive Davis! I found Micheal Flynn of Slow Runner. Not only does he writes hits bitches, but underneath that tee-shirt he is cut up like Groundskeeper Willie. I'm inviting him to SWINGER HUSTLE FEST 2009, report back on his man hammer then. Meanwhile, enjoy my A&R skills hookers!

PayPals to ridethemustache@gmail.com,
J-Stache

ANOTHER BAD DAY AT THE ZOO

Perhaps you recall my last trip to the zoo with Sully The Lab? Summary: Sully jumped the fence and put the wood to a tiger, then we got stomped by the cops.

I headed back up town this weekend, just to see if the felines were still pissed. I brought a piece pipe, and by that I mean my 4 foot mechanized bong. Those fuckers lured me into the fence with that old school "nah man, it's cool yo" bullshit and moments later I was running for my very ass.

I did drop 2 whole blotter sheets of acid in their kiddy pool out of spite, so I would say be careful for the next week or so if you plan on dangling ass over the fence or something.

Hitting switches on bitches,
J-Stache

DAVID CARRADINE & THE DANGERS OF CHOKE & JERK

RIP David Carradine. Kung-Fu was the shit. You were pretty bad-ass as Woody Guthrie too my man.

Anyways, I'll take this opportunity to warn you against Erotic Auto Asphyxia, or as it's more readily know The Choke & Jerk. I realize that you drop the nut of a lifetime doing this stuff, but nothing is worse than being in Thai hotel dead with a ribbon around your neck and dong. If you are into this thing, I strongly recommend you develop a Whip-It habit and burn one down in the beautiful haze of chemical intervention. Works pretty much the same and you seldom die.

Make a mess safely people,
J-Stache


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GAY FUNDRAISER UPDATE: LET'S GET WET!

So far, I've been sent two vinyl records (Wham and Liza Minnelli), a 50% coupon for exfoliating cremes and this postcard from Bruce and TJ enjoying cocktails & water sports. I'm not sure which world you fuckers live in, but this stuff does NOT trade well in the weed/pills market. I reiterate my service paid to gay self-confidence in the 80s and plea for my due, cash settlement. Paypals to ridethemustache@gmail.com.

Weed service on the way,
J-Stache


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HALL & OATES & J-STACHE

Sweet, fresh and funky. Get some.

J-Stache


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ME & RINGO

I'm kind of a big deal.

Bull-whipping bitches,
J-Stache


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HOW TO STOP SMOKING CRACK: BOBBY BROWN

Dr. Sucio Sanchez has me involved with some experimental therapies aimed at helping me quit crack. For a while, he had me pay a little person to junk-punch me every time I touched a pipe. That was working until I spiked the little fuckers afternoon coffee with mescaline and convinced him to join a travelling carnival.

Now, I'm supposed to watch this video any time I get the itch. Theory goes, seeing what a douche Bobby is will infiltrate my thoughts on the subconcious level and make me not want to smoke crack. So far so good, except I now have an over-powering urge to slap the shit out of Whitney Houston while wearing bike shorts and red tube socks. Progress.

Boner,
J-Stache


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