SAVAGE BITCHES AT THE BARS

When you're a celebrity, you have to be careful who you slide down the whiskey slide with. This is a lesson I've had to learn the hard way. Apparently, my Saturday night bar stool was beset with buggers...those little pencil scribblers who ask to buy you drinks only to ask you questions with their little tape recorder rolling. Here is the latest stuff I allegedly said:

FIND TRAITOROUS SLOP HERE!

Whatever,
J-Stache

GAYNESS IN WAITING

With all that yelling and spandex, can it be any wonder that the so many spates in sports breaks out into full man on man Brokeback-ed-ness? These macho men have been giving artsy types like me a hard time for decades. Why? Because musicians get all the high end ladies while the dudes in sweat socks try to hide their wood for Chip The Fullback.

Deal with it.
J-Stache

PS. I'm not saying these two photoed had a massive sword fight in the hotel room after the game...only that statistically speaking, it happening somewhere, most likely after a Mets game as the math goes.

ONLY FOR THE WEED

I need to make one thing abundantly clear: I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE WEED. The sycophants at The American Mustache Institute, a collection of douche ticklers who should be sending me royalties for putting them on the map, are attempting to make up for the years they've been riding on my coat tails.

Whatever.

The promised me a fresh pound of Cali Med if I agree to some meeting with Oates at STACHE BASH 2009. I'm also told that Oatesie will be making me whole on back payments from the go-go times.

High-end high hookers. I ask you to descend on St. Louis for the weekend of October 30th. I will be holding and hungry. Thank you.

Warmly,
J-Stache

THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER

THE MAGIC OF MOTHER NATURE

Can there be anything as noble and endearing as a mother and child locked in a Darwinian pose. Ah nature!

Now, if the mama happens to be hot, shouldn't we support breast feeding in public?? Not only public, but how about a celeb show featuring sweet nips and the best feeding tables? Talking turkey with Moms and their giggle bits for a half hour?? I'd watch.

I'm for Moms,
J-Stache

DON'T EVER SHAVE YOUR COIN SAC!!!

I can say this will full confidence: DON'T EVER SHAVE YOU BALL SACK WITH A BATTERY-POWERED ELECTRIC RAZOR!!

I was on my way to a "party". It had been a while since I took the dingle bits to the barber, so I figure why not pull some weeds. I grabbed my Oates Signature Series Electric Shave Master and WOW!

I haven't been in pain like this since I did a queening session with Rosie O. Thanks a lot Oates!!! This thing pulls 3 times more than it cuts.

Chopped salad,
J-Stache

TO THE NATURALS

I need to be clear. I thank science for giving us the technological breakthroughs that enable both this fancy internet shit and the wildly inappropriate DD implant.

HOWEVER!

I'm a natural minded mustache. I like that which is home grown. I celebrate the entire size shape of the natural spectrum. From The Tater Tot to The DD Forget-Me-Not, I want all you ladies to know that I'm looking at your natural breast with full affection. Not just for my own artistic interests, but in support for all that is womanly.

I'm here for you and your natural breasts when you need me.

J-Stache