POPDOSE SAYS "RUN J-STACHE, RUN IS THE SINGLE BEST...VIDEO GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE"

WORD BITCHES!!! CHECK IT OUT HERE: POPDOSE

BE A SMOKER, DON'T HIRE ONE

While I was "away", the nitwits at my company made a HR video that helps indoctrinate new hires at J-Stache Industries. For the record, I did not approve putting more deadbeats on the payroll and I certainly would not have given gigs to another crop of buckethead weed-ies like these bums. Remember kids, everybody love burnouts and all but nobody wants one working for them. Congratulations on your scholarship to F.U. Enjoy:

J-Stache Industries - watch more funny videos

HEY BANKER CHICKS! FLASH ME SOME LADY LUMPS!

I was totally in the Wall Street Journal today. And not like last time, where those savage bastards profiled the demise of my experimental fertilizer company after a small methane accident.

This time, I'm all inked up over making Oates famous for like the 300th time. HEY OATES!! No box of chocolate? No emails?

Anyway, check my shit out bitches! WALL STREET JOURNAL PIMPAGE

Yes I'm out of the joint

Yes. It's true. I was arrested for dumping out in P.Diddy's cornflakes at the SLS Hotel in LA around Christmas. Yes, I now know what a Columbian Plate Job is. Yes, you don't want to know. Chino is a motherfucker for sure

I am back. I have several big swinging dick announcements to make that will definitely smash on your grill. Stay tuned.

J-Stache, over.

STEVEN TYLER IS THE RAINBOW...AGAIN!!!!

Your welcome bitches. I just put AMERICA'S-MOST-BAD-ASSED-PANTY-DROPPINIST-COLD-SMACKING-FOOLS-WORD-UP-MOFUCKY band in all the land back together. Yes. J-Stache, once again, not only starting the fire but smoking the bacon that saves your breakfast. All it took was a few sips of my special sauce and Steven was The Rainbow again. I expect my Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame nod imminently.

Back in that saddle suckas,
J-Stache

THE DANGERS OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS

I can't stress this enough, nerds need to be isolated and shamed into coolness. When they get into groups, they spend all kinds of time making homemade superhero costumes, hoping it will translate into nailing their Molly Ringwald inspired crush. This is painfully untrue. Nerd collectives only empower their douchey instincts. And there has been no greater perpetrator of nerd gatherings than Dungeons & Dragons. Do what you can to save these pale future lab rats from a life of celibate desperation. Go to the closet and banish those board games to the garbage.

I care about us,
J-Stache

ELLIE BURNBAUM & HER SON JEREMY

TRANSLATION:
------------
Dear J-Stache,

My Mom says you gave here a special gift...so I'm writing to you with my Hanukkah list. Thanks!

1) $100 savings bond
2) Super Bots Lego
3) a Green Day poster (signed)

I trust you to make up whatever for the other 5 nights.
Thanks,
Jeremy Burnbaum.
--------------------

All I can say is yes, I remember Ellie and I pray I only gave her the gift of a itchy China and not Jeremy.

SAVAGE BITCHES AT THE BARS

When you're a celebrity, you have to be careful who you slide down the whiskey slide with. This is a lesson I've had to learn the hard way. Apparently, my Saturday night bar stool was beset with buggers...those little pencil scribblers who ask to buy you drinks only to ask you questions with their little tape recorder rolling. Here is the latest stuff I allegedly said:

FIND TRAITOROUS SLOP HERE!

Whatever,
J-Stache

GAYNESS IN WAITING

With all that yelling and spandex, can it be any wonder that the so many spates in sports breaks out into full man on man Brokeback-ed-ness? These macho men have been giving artsy types like me a hard time for decades. Why? Because musicians get all the high end ladies while the dudes in sweat socks try to hide their wood for Chip The Fullback.

Deal with it.
J-Stache

PS. I'm not saying these two photoed had a massive sword fight in the hotel room after the game...only that statistically speaking, it happening somewhere, most likely after a Mets game as the math goes.

ONLY FOR THE WEED

I need to make one thing abundantly clear: I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE WEED. The sycophants at The American Mustache Institute, a collection of douche ticklers who should be sending me royalties for putting them on the map, are attempting to make up for the years they've been riding on my coat tails.

Whatever.

The promised me a fresh pound of Cali Med if I agree to some meeting with Oates at STACHE BASH 2009. I'm also told that Oatesie will be making me whole on back payments from the go-go times.

High-end high hookers. I ask you to descend on St. Louis for the weekend of October 30th. I will be holding and hungry. Thank you.

Warmly,
J-Stache

THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER

THE MAGIC OF MOTHER NATURE

Can there be anything as noble and endearing as a mother and child locked in a Darwinian pose. Ah nature!

Now, if the mama happens to be hot, shouldn't we support breast feeding in public?? Not only public, but how about a celeb show featuring sweet nips and the best feeding tables? Talking turkey with Moms and their giggle bits for a half hour?? I'd watch.

I'm for Moms,
J-Stache

DON'T EVER SHAVE YOUR COIN SAC!!!

I can say this will full confidence: DON'T EVER SHAVE YOU BALL SACK WITH A BATTERY-POWERED ELECTRIC RAZOR!!

I was on my way to a "party". It had been a while since I took the dingle bits to the barber, so I figure why not pull some weeds. I grabbed my Oates Signature Series Electric Shave Master and WOW!

I haven't been in pain like this since I did a queening session with Rosie O. Thanks a lot Oates!!! This thing pulls 3 times more than it cuts.

Chopped salad,
J-Stache

TO THE NATURALS

I need to be clear. I thank science for giving us the technological breakthroughs that enable both this fancy internet shit and the wildly inappropriate DD implant.

HOWEVER!

I'm a natural minded mustache. I like that which is home grown. I celebrate the entire size shape of the natural spectrum. From The Tater Tot to The DD Forget-Me-Not, I want all you ladies to know that I'm looking at your natural breast with full affection. Not just for my own artistic interests, but in support for all that is womanly.

I'm here for you and your natural breasts when you need me.

J-Stache

OF TEAT & DEWCLAW

I've come to know goats.
Oh escutcheon, oh pin bone, oh hock.
I've come to know goats.
Oh udder me not.
For I'm for whithers.
Over brisket and knee.
I've come to know goats.
May my goat know me.

J-Stache
(come to find out, Rolaids do not diminish the effects of acid)

GOV. PATERSON GETS SWEET, FRESH & FUNKY!

SHIP TO SHORE. STOP. INFORM ALL OPERATIVES. STOP. THE ALLIED NETWORK OF ULTIMATE SECURITY (ANUS) IS A GO. STOP. PATERSON HAS TAKEN A STACHE. STOP.

MORE LESSONS IN SCISSORING

Some ladies need to a few sessions of wrestling to get into the act. This is to be celebrated and supported, providing you establish some easily recognizable "safe words" and plenty of lotion.

Watching the wheels,
J-Stache

SCISSORING: A BATTLE OF BUMPING

I happen to be very popular with the lesbian community. I didn't ask for the honor, but accept it willingly. Everybody needs a voice. They chose me homes, deal with it.

I've received several questions from my readership over the last several days regarding my research in the field of tribbing (also known as scissoring amongst the lipstick lezentines).

Despite the silly rumors, I never claimed to have invented scissoring. However, I can say that I've perfected its safe application. Gone are the "brush fire" days of the 70s when a disco bush could literally go up in flames from poorly executed clam sanding.

I'll be holding an lecture series detailing advancements in scissoring over the past 20 years. All hot ladies 18-24 are welcomed to pre-purchase a seat in series for the low-low price of $56. Paypals and pictures to ridethemustache@gmail.com

Bump-n-hump,
J-Stache

LOVELY RITA!

Now, as most of your will readily admit, most militaristic chicks are bull dikes. That's not a knock against them in any way. Paunches, buzz cuts and over-sized diddle bits. I get it man.

But every once and a while, a rogue wave comes through and clears the Indigo Girls off the deck. Support the troops I say, especially the rare hot chick in green. I'd recommend some QUEENING and BOOT WORSHIP

Be loving but firm,
J-Stache

FEIST...I WANT TO TAME YOUR SHREW

Feist has me unable to pen poems. Too much beauty. She's left me on Dylan's door, pining for refuge in her Great White North. Fiest...let's make hairy babies who can rip harmonies and write hits.

Go for Bob:

The drunken politician leaps
And the saviors who are fast asleep,
They wait for you.
And i wait for them to interrupt
Me drinkin' from my broken cup
Open up the gate for you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

At your service Leslie,
J-Stache