Ride The Mustache

POPDOSE SAYS "RUN J-STACHE, RUN IS THE SINGLE BEST...VIDEO GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE"

2010-03-17T16:24:00.002-04:00

WORD BITCHES!!! CHECK IT OUT HERE: POPDOSE

BE A SMOKER, DON'T HIRE ONE

2010-03-15T12:21:00.003-04:00

While I was "away", the nitwits at my company made a HR video that helps indoctrinate new hires at J-Stache Industries. For the record, I did not approve putting more deadbeats on the payroll and I certainly would not have given gigs to another crop of buckethead weed-ies like these bums. Remember kids, everybody love burnouts and all but nobody wants one working for them. Congratulations on your scholarship to F.U. Enjoy:

J-Stache Industries - watch more funny videos

HEY BANKER CHICKS! FLASH ME SOME LADY LUMPS!

2010-03-12T11:43:00.005-05:00

I was totally in the Wall Street Journal today. And not like last time, where those savage bastards profiled the demise of my experimental fertilizer company after a small methane accident.

This time, I'm all inked up over making Oates famous for like the 300th time. HEY OATES!! No box of chocolate? No emails?

Anyway, check my shit out bitches! WALL STREET JOURNAL PIMPAGE

Yes I'm out of the joint

2010-01-28T15:51:00.004-05:00

Yes. It's true. I was arrested for dumping out in P.Diddy's cornflakes at the SLS Hotel in LA around Christmas. Yes, I now know what a Columbian Plate Job is. Yes, you don't want to know. Chino is a motherfucker for sure

I am back. I have several big swinging dick announcements to make that will definitely smash on your grill. Stay tuned.

J-Stache, over.

STEVEN TYLER IS THE RAINBOW...AGAIN!!!!

2009-11-11T17:07:00.003-05:00

Your welcome bitches. I just put AMERICA'S-MOST-BAD-ASSED-PANTY-DROPPINIST-COLD-SMACKING-FOOLS-WORD-UP-MOFUCKY band in all the land back together. Yes. J-Stache, once again, not only starting the fire but smoking the bacon that saves your breakfast. All it took was a few sips of my special sauce and Steven was The Rainbow again. I expect my Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame nod imminently.

Back in that saddle suckas,
J-Stache

THE DANGERS OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS

2009-11-02T10:32:00.002-05:00

I can't stress this enough, nerds need to be isolated and shamed into coolness. When they get into groups, they spend all kinds of time making homemade superhero costumes, hoping it will translate into nailing their Molly Ringwald inspired crush. This is painfully untrue. Nerd collectives only empower their douchey instincts. And there has been no greater perpetrator of nerd gatherings than Dungeons & Dragons. Do what you can to save these pale future lab rats from a life of celibate desperation. Go to the closet and banish those board games to the garbage.

I care about us,
J-Stache

ELLIE BURNBAUM & HER SON JEREMY

2009-10-28T12:37:00.003-04:00

TRANSLATION:
------------
Dear J-Stache,

My Mom says you gave here a special gift...so I'm writing to you with my Hanukkah list. Thanks!

1) $100 savings bond
2) Super Bots Lego
3) a Green Day poster (signed)

I trust you to make up whatever for the other 5 nights.
Thanks,
Jeremy Burnbaum.
--------------------

All I can say is yes, I remember Ellie and I pray I only gave her the gift of a itchy China and not Jeremy.

SAVAGE BITCHES AT THE BARS

2009-10-13T10:56:00.004-04:00

When you're a celebrity, you have to be careful who you slide down the whiskey slide with. This is a lesson I've had to learn the hard way. Apparently, my Saturday night bar stool was beset with buggers...those little pencil scribblers who ask to buy you drinks only to ask you questions with their little tape recorder rolling. Here is the latest stuff I allegedly said:

FIND TRAITOROUS SLOP HERE!

Whatever,
J-Stache

GAYNESS IN WAITING

2009-10-06T11:30:00.002-04:00

With all that yelling and spandex, can it be any wonder that the so many spates in sports breaks out into full man on man Brokeback-ed-ness? These macho men have been giving artsy types like me a hard time for decades. Why? Because musicians get all the high end ladies while the dudes in sweat socks try to hide their wood for Chip The Fullback.

Deal with it.
J-Stache

PS. I'm not saying these two photoed had a massive sword fight in the hotel room after the game...only that statistically speaking, it happening somewhere, most likely after a Mets game as the math goes.

ONLY FOR THE WEED

2009-10-02T10:25:00.002-04:00

I need to make one thing abundantly clear: I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE WEED. The sycophants at The American Mustache Institute, a collection of douche ticklers who should be sending me royalties for putting them on the map, are attempting to make up for the years they've been riding on my coat tails.

Whatever.

The promised me a fresh pound of Cali Med if I agree to some meeting with Oates at STACHE BASH 2009. I'm also told that Oatesie will be making me whole on back payments from the go-go times.

High-end high hookers. I ask you to descend on St. Louis for the weekend of October 30th. I will be holding and hungry. Thank you.

Warmly,
J-Stache

THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER

2009-09-23T11:08:00.003-04:00

THE MAGIC OF MOTHER NATURE

2009-09-21T11:00:00.002-04:00

Can there be anything as noble and endearing as a mother and child locked in a Darwinian pose. Ah nature!

Now, if the mama happens to be hot, shouldn't we support breast feeding in public?? Not only public, but how about a celeb show featuring sweet nips and the best feeding tables? Talking turkey with Moms and their giggle bits for a half hour?? I'd watch.

I'm for Moms,
J-Stache

DON'T EVER SHAVE YOUR COIN SAC!!!

2009-09-11T15:24:00.003-04:00

I can say this will full confidence: DON'T EVER SHAVE YOU BALL SACK WITH A BATTERY-POWERED ELECTRIC RAZOR!!

I was on my way to a "party". It had been a while since I took the dingle bits to the barber, so I figure why not pull some weeds. I grabbed my Oates Signature Series Electric Shave Master and WOW!

I haven't been in pain like this since I did a queening session with Rosie O. Thanks a lot Oates!!! This thing pulls 3 times more than it cuts.

Chopped salad,
J-Stache

TO THE NATURALS

2009-09-10T10:40:00.006-04:00

I need to be clear. I thank science for giving us the technological breakthroughs that enable both this fancy internet shit and the wildly inappropriate DD implant.

HOWEVER!

I'm a natural minded mustache. I like that which is home grown. I celebrate the entire size shape of the natural spectrum. From The Tater Tot to The DD Forget-Me-Not, I want all you ladies to know that I'm looking at your natural breast with full affection. Not just for my own artistic interests, but in support for all that is womanly.

I'm here for you and your natural breasts when you need me.

J-Stache

OF TEAT & DEWCLAW

2009-09-08T12:06:00.003-04:00

I've come to know goats.
Oh escutcheon, oh pin bone, oh hock.
I've come to know goats.
Oh udder me not.
For I'm for whithers.
Over brisket and knee.
I've come to know goats.
May my goat know me.

J-Stache
(come to find out, Rolaids do not diminish the effects of acid)

GOV. PATERSON GETS SWEET, FRESH & FUNKY!

2009-09-02T10:49:00.003-04:00

SHIP TO SHORE. STOP. INFORM ALL OPERATIVES. STOP. THE ALLIED NETWORK OF ULTIMATE SECURITY (ANUS) IS A GO. STOP. PATERSON HAS TAKEN A STACHE. STOP.

MORE LESSONS IN SCISSORING

2009-08-27T10:56:00.002-04:00

Some ladies need to a few sessions of wrestling to get into the act. This is to be celebrated and supported, providing you establish some easily recognizable "safe words" and plenty of lotion.

Watching the wheels,
J-Stache

SCISSORING: A BATTLE OF BUMPING

2009-08-25T10:06:00.004-04:00

I happen to be very popular with the lesbian community. I didn't ask for the honor, but accept it willingly. Everybody needs a voice. They chose me homes, deal with it.

I've received several questions from my readership over the last several days regarding my research in the field of tribbing (also known as scissoring amongst the lipstick lezentines).

Despite the silly rumors, I never claimed to have invented scissoring. However, I can say that I've perfected its safe application. Gone are the "brush fire" days of the 70s when a disco bush could literally go up in flames from poorly executed clam sanding.

I'll be holding an lecture series detailing advancements in scissoring over the past 20 years. All hot ladies 18-24 are welcomed to pre-purchase a seat in series for the low-low price of $56. Paypals and pictures to ridethemustache@gmail.com

Bump-n-hump,
J-Stache

LOVELY RITA!

2009-08-21T10:48:00.002-04:00

Now, as most of your will readily admit, most militaristic chicks are bull dikes. That's not a knock against them in any way. Paunches, buzz cuts and over-sized diddle bits. I get it man.

But every once and a while, a rogue wave comes through and clears the Indigo Girls off the deck. Support the troops I say, especially the rare hot chick in green. I'd recommend some QUEENING and BOOT WORSHIP

Be loving but firm,
J-Stache

FEIST...I WANT TO TAME YOUR SHREW

2009-08-18T11:02:00.002-04:00

Feist has me unable to pen poems. Too much beauty. She's left me on Dylan's door, pining for refuge in her Great White North. Fiest...let's make hairy babies who can rip harmonies and write hits.

Go for Bob:

The drunken politician leaps
And the saviors who are fast asleep,
They wait for you.
And i wait for them to interrupt
Me drinkin' from my broken cup
Open up the gate for you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

At your service Leslie,
J-Stache

FUPA: THE PAIN OF PREJUDICE

2009-08-17T10:40:00.003-04:00

I'm loathe to turn my personal recovery journal into a place for polemics. But sometimes, you've got to take a stand for what is right. You've got to fight power with a fist full of love. Ghandi. MLK Jr. J-Stache. Still we march on.

Now. Many of you scum sucking prick fucks have cast Jessica Simpson out of the hot chick caste because she has grown a gunt, or as I was raised to refer to this fatty deposit atop the pubic region, a FUPA.

You lazy bastards. Just because you have to go over the hill and down the valley to get into Jessica's garage these days doesn't mean she's no longer hot. In fact, most of my top lays were full-figured gals.

STOP FUPA PREJUDICE TODAY! WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN, OUR FUPA WEARING CONGRESSWOMAN, AND STOP THE GUNTIST REGIME IN ITS TRACKS!!

Fight the power,
J-Stache

PAINTING MY WAY BACK

2009-08-13T12:18:00.003-04:00

Dr. Sucio Sanchez has me painting again. I'm supposed to free associate images to take my mind off the pills and booze. Get connected to my creativity. Sharpen the senses.

As you might expect, I'm something of a genius with the brush. But I don't do pantie waist landscapes. Fuck you. I get into the heart of the matter. Down in the gutter with the hustlers and jesters. Jam a stick down. Pump in some truth.

This piece expresses the duality of man. We're naked and muscled with nothing but choice and chance to make our way. Dr. Sanchez suggested this had some homoerotic undertones. Frankly, I can't see how.

Wondering what will be,
J-Stache

EXPERIMENTAL METHODS: QUITTING VICODIN

2009-08-12T09:50:00.002-04:00

I've been battling the dragon friends. Dr. Sucio Sanchez has me doing the journal again. We've been working on some experimental methods for quitting that bitch. Here are a couple of suggestions for when the urge to pop a vikki-tikki-tock gets beyond the normal shrill:

1. Pay a midget to wire scrub your taint
2. Find a midget demented enough to wire scrub your taint for free, make a friend for life
3. Watch this video on Vicodin and get a contact buzz from the calming affect of Ms. Thing-Thang's voice. Works best with midget present.

I'm hoping we flesh these out a bit more over the next couple of sessions.

IT WORKS, SO KEEP WORKING IT!
J-Stache

SAVING RELATIONSHIPS ONE POKE AT A TIME

2009-08-06T10:08:00.003-04:00

I've received a landslide of emails from boyfriends & husbands over the past 2 weeks. These poor fellows are in relationships with ladies who can't seem to find satisfaction without a tickle from yours truly. I've done a couple of house calls and can proudly say I've save some marriages.

But I can only pound these tier two chicks so much. For fuck sake man, I'm famous.

Fear not, I have a solution. For those still needing my services, send $1,796.99 via PayPal to ridethemustache@gmail.com. I will send you a hand-made cast of my man hammer. And, I'll signed it free of charge (rare). I've contracted services from the good folks at "Clone-A-Willy", so you rest assured, we're talking a quality dong.

For an additional $447, I'll include an audio tape of me talking shit to your lady which, of course, you can play while vigorously plunging away with my signature series faux-cock.

At your service,
J-Stache

REAL STACHES V. DILL BAGS

2009-08-03T10:43:00.003-04:00

I'm organizing The Million Mustache March. We must spring into action in the face of coin sack douche cakes like Dr. Phil who, with the smug little lip dusters, are giving ass-kickin', panty-poppin', man-hammer-swingin', rock-n-soul-shakin' REAL MUSTACHES out there like me a bad name.

Meet up tonight. 11:59PM. Look to the skies for my sign...some straight Soc v. Greasers rumbleness bitches.

Doing it for Johnny,
J-Stache

MY NEW ADDICTION: TICKLING

2009-07-29T12:38:00.002-04:00

Pounding sand in my pajamas,
J-Stache

NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND

2009-07-28T11:37:00.002-04:00

Let this be a warning to you all...casting calls for lady dancers on the internet has its risks.

Dazed in the jiggle,
J-Stache

WEED BIRTHS THE J-STACHE DANCERS

2009-07-27T10:46:00.005-04:00

I have received several emails from beautiful, young, eager ladies over the last couple of days. And this is as it should be. After all, I'm famous.

I was high on the Sour Dee last night when the muse sang my name - why not organize these ladies into a dance troupe? But not just any dance troupe...The J-Stache Dancers! I'm sure over the next couple of weeks I'll be making all kinds of TV appearances where they can shake a tail feather and tickle some fancy.

Any ladies out there with the WILLINGNESS TO WORK, please send your pictures for formal review to ridethemustache@gmail.com. Extra credit for graphic essays and pole dancing experience.

Patron of the choreographic arts,
J-Stache

JESSICA BIEL LEAVES A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE

2009-07-23T12:16:00.003-04:00

Nothing like being famous. Yes my home movie with JO has got the whole world talking. Yes, I'm making tons of dough selling shirts to pimps and hookers. I'm always in weed and shrooms, so nothings changed there.

The biggest thing since the Will Ferrell begged me to release my shit on Funny or Die is that Jessica Biel took me out her boat. I was all excited because she left me some voicemail last night where I swear she said "come out on my boat tomorrow, we'll do some fisting". Turns out she uses that shit At&t service and we fished all morning.

No worries. I "prepped" myself to a fisting montage and am still angling to hook a snapper. Enjoy a photo from our day out.

I'm better than you, a-ha

J-Stache

NEW DEAL WITH TANTRA.COM

2009-07-22T10:33:00.004-04:00

After taking over all media outlets with my secret videotape, the folks at Tantra.com reached out to my business manager with a 7-figure R&D deal. Given my vast knowledge of female mating behavior, I will be provide Tantra with innovative ways to get into chick's draws. Enjoy these videos as a freebie...everything else will cost you.

Oates plays guitar, I play The Diddle baby...now num my lingam!
J-Stache

FUNNY OR DIE, WEED, & TEE-SHIRTS

2009-07-21T10:35:00.003-04:00

Will Ferrell, Judd Apatow and Adam McKay. 3 more people I'm getting ready to make famous. You're welcome Hall, Oates and Cindi Lauper.

My video is airing today at Funny or Die. I shot it without Oates knowing. In fact, I have secret video feeds all over the Oates Mountain Retreat. Right now...lemme see...Oatesie is doing his morning routine: mediation, squat thrusts, scissor kicks, repeat.

Anyways, I'm launching a line of tee shirts for men and women. I was made a solemn promise by my business manager: For every 100 video views and 2 tee-shirts sold, I get a free cube of Cali Med Hot Bush Weed delivered to my doorstep. They discontinued the leaf strain after some sewer douches got careless. Needless to say, I'm building a collection.

Big hairy dogballs in a quaint cup tea,
J-Stache

A-HA BITCHES!!!!!! IT ALL STARTS TOMORROW

2009-07-20T10:07:00.002-04:00

For anyone out there who doubted the strength of my pimp hand, you can go ahead and kiss my grits after tomorrow. Yes, yes. Don't worry. I've been rotating my undercarriage regimen between Gold Bond and Monistat, with a every third day a "rest cycle". All that's needed now is a high shine with a soft shammy and you're in the lap of luxury.

Tomorrow on Funny or Die, I've agreed to air a videotape that I've been hiding under a stack of of German porn for a good while now. While there's no cash over the barrelhead this time, I'm told that each view will equal half a perkie for me. So...you greasy moose knuckle's, spin the video and I promise to share my booty. And by booty I mean treasure, not buttocks.

Waiting for The Stern Show invite,
J-Stache

EDUCATION FIRST

2009-07-16T11:47:00.003-04:00

Let it be known, I take woman's health issues very seriously. We all have a part to play in stopping breast cancer dead in its tracks. Nothing is more powerful than early detection. Please study this video well and reach out at ridethemustache@gmail.com if you need more info.

Fightin' mad for healthy titties,
J-Stache

TEEN GIRL FALLS IN OPEN MANHOLE

2009-07-13T13:45:00.004-04:00

A good example of the potentiating power of natural selection.

Hit 'em up Charlie Darwin,

J-Stache

Post-Script: Yes I was expecting something totally different by the title as well.

SMOKING JACKO'S BONES

2009-07-09T10:43:00.004-04:00

I took a piss next to Michael once during a goofy recording session. Thimble cock. Real shame.

Anyway, I'm angling through some 80's buddies to get a look at the corpse. Actually, I want to get a bone, mash it up and smoke it. The Batchshuiti Tribe of Zimnobi believe that you can channel the "mana" of a man by smoking his bones (don't send me your pouf emails, I don't mean that kind of bone smoking).

I WILL AGAIN DOMINATE RADIO AND TV, AND OTHER MEDIA MEDIUMS THAT HAVE YET TO BE INVENTED...SOON.

Waiting for the rush,
J-Stache

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE

2009-07-06T10:41:00.003-04:00

I got a stern email from a woman named Suzie Fetterstein. Apparently, she suffers from some kind of mustachiophobic complex. I forwarded her my shrink's info, Dr. Sucio Sanchez. I hope she finds the help she needs.

Here is a bit of her rant:

"...How dare you!! You are filthy bastard! ALL MUSTACHES ARE EVIL!! And you, you're the worst of them all!! Rock n' soul???!?!? The devil's kitchen I say! I'm personally building a stockpile of razorblades to remove your blight from the face of the world. Of course, now that John Oates is clean-shaven, he can thankfully be spared. In closing, fuck you and your kind!!"

This letters shows the dangers of sexual repression and an overall lack of weed in the bloodstream. Can we find love? Can we get together? All we are saying...Suze..., is give peace a chance!

Summer of Love,
J-Stache

Post script: Yes of course I put a flaming bag of dogshit of Suze's doorstep. One tab of acid doesn't make you a hippie.

CASTING COUCH: WANT TO BE A STAR DARLING?

2009-07-02T13:11:00.003-04:00

Hey pretty ladies! I'm casting some movies this coming Monday. You want the world to know who you are? You want glamor, riches, and all the cocktail weenies you can eat? Send head shots and your list of credits to: ridethemustache@gmail.com. Be open to coaching and available for a two-day shoot.

I've been making chicks famous since '76.

J-Stache

I'M FUCKING FAMOUS AGAIN BITCHES

2009-07-01T11:12:00.004-04:00

I swing a man hammer ladies. That means I'm dangling 7 while at rest. And in recognition of my overall King of Swing title-holding-ness, someone out there on the inter-net started a Facebook Fan Page to honor me.

Normally, I'm not given to emotional outpourings and other pouf shit. But friends, when I received notice through my probation officer that the page was created, I wept on the should of a 3-strikes lifer Crip. We all have feelings.

If the 00s are to be anything the 70s, I shall expect an influx of topless photos from all your lady friends. Of course, I'll take bottom shots too: ridethemustache@gmail.com

Mazel to me!
J-Stache

RIP BILLY MAYS

2009-06-29T10:01:00.003-04:00

You may think the only way for Billy Mays to put out that kind of energy about a cleaning product would be for him to be tweaked out of his brains on meth.

You are most likely right.

But F U douche, he had access to genius. You know...while you're sewing farts into the couch cushions waiting to call his 800 number for schlocky products, he's banking pimp-ish cash flow. Billy owned a chunk on all the schwag he sold. So take your jokey bits and jam them up your stink button.

I loathe the notion of tipping a cap to a dye-bearded dude, but watching Billy late night full tilt on mushrooms really kicked the whole trip into a new time-space locality. Now I'm left with that Slap Chop quiff...didn't he get irons clapped on him for hookery?

Nice trip Billy, rest easy
J-Stache

3 NIGHTS IN THE COUNTY STIR

2009-06-26T10:45:00.004-04:00

Monday afternoon I got pinched.
Thank you for your concern
By Tuesday I got tatt-ed up
To prevent my tush from being "burned"

Dudes watch you pee
Dudes watch you poop
Press weights, watch Oprah
Fix a Honkies v. Chicano game of hoops

There's 4 to a pen
1 to a cot
If you are asked to play Twister
Most definitely do not .

Shivin' bitches daily,
J-Stache

BOB DYLAN: PENCIL THIN PIMP

2009-06-22T11:21:00.004-04:00

Damn brother! I had to smash my mug up against the computer to screen to get a look at that pencil thin pimp stache on Jack Frost here.

Bob is a straight gangster at that. One time, I was in Cheyenne, Wyoming at the Triple Creek Ale House working a stint as a dish washer when Bob rolled up on fuck-all loud Harley. When some cycle club quiff stepped on his boots, he cranked him with a pool cue across the back of the neck. The club got quiet. We all waited for what was next. Bob went over to the jukebox and drop a quarter in. The place was so still, that coin hitting the machine was like a bomb going off. Several people commented that it was in poor taste to play his own song, but I was always a big "Isis" fan and didn't mind. In any event, leave Bob's boots untarnished.

THE WIND IT WAS OUTRAGIOUS!!!
J-STACHE

ON BEING BUDDIES

2009-06-18T10:51:00.004-04:00

It's nice to have a buddy. You can get great 2 for 1 deals on blues jeans and loafers while still having plenty of space for personal style in your shirt/jacket wear. I'm sure Jack-O here had plenty of occasion to wear that baseball jacket...coaching "T-Ball" to the kids an all.

Me and Oates used to be like that.

Oatesie...it's raining in New York, I smoked up my last roach and I just illegally downloaded the new Dylan album. Call me man.

Old-school rock n' soul, sweet fresh and funky John Oates,
J-Stache

WHATCHYA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, HAMMER???

2009-06-17T11:05:00.004-04:00

One of my last paid gigs playing percussion was for MC Hammer on the track " Turn This Mutha Out". That badass conga part during the verse is me. Bitches have sampled it all over the place and I haven't seen a single residual. Still, I can't complain. I got on his payroll for like 18 months. I took my baggy pants per diem and started a call girl service called "The 4-Handed Hammer Polish". We made a pretty good run of it until The Clap sidelined a city councilman and we got raided. Ah, the 90s.

Suckle,
J-Stache

PAINTED LADIES

2009-06-15T11:12:00.004-04:00

I like to paint ladies.

Hold still,
J-Stache

THE HISTORY OF BEN-WA BALLS

2009-06-12T11:13:00.004-04:00

I preach the beauty of a strong canal, whatever it may be. Take this lesson and history of the Ben-Wa Ball into the weekend with an open-heart.

SEE OATES!!! I'M NEW AGE!!

Send hot chick photos to: ridethemustache@gmail.com

Tickle, tickle...pull!
J-Stache

RARE SIGNED PRINT, ONLY 10 AVAILABLE, ACT NOW!!

2009-06-10T11:09:00.005-04:00

RARE BITCHES!! RARE!!

For a limited time, I am offering 10 signed lithographs of my likeness and throwing in the Oates for free! ACT NOW ON EBAY! For only $1,299.99 you can have a piece of rock n' soul history. Super rare.

SLOW RUNNER: I FIND HITS BITCHES

2009-06-09T10:25:00.002-04:00

Fuck Clive Davis! I found Micheal Flynn of Slow Runner. Not only does he writes hits bitches, but underneath that tee-shirt he is cut up like Groundskeeper Willie. I'm inviting him to SWINGER HUSTLE FEST 2009, report back on his man hammer then. Meanwhile, enjoy my A&R skills hookers!

PayPals to ridethemustache@gmail.com,
J-Stache

ANOTHER BAD DAY AT THE ZOO

2009-06-08T11:25:00.005-04:00

Perhaps you recall my last trip to the zoo with Sully The Lab? Summary: Sully jumped the fence and put the wood to a tiger, then we got stomped by the cops.

I headed back up town this weekend, just to see if the felines were still pissed. I brought a piece pipe, and by that I mean my 4 foot mechanized bong. Those fuckers lured me into the fence with that old school "nah man, it's cool yo" bullshit and moments later I was running for my very ass.

I did drop 2 whole blotter sheets of acid in their kiddy pool out of spite, so I would say be careful for the next week or so if you plan on dangling ass over the fence or something.

Hitting switches on bitches,
J-Stache

DAVID CARRADINE & THE DANGERS OF CHOKE & JERK

2009-06-05T11:01:00.004-04:00

RIP David Carradine. Kung-Fu was the shit. You were pretty bad-ass as Woody Guthrie too my man.

Anyways, I'll take this opportunity to warn you against Erotic Auto Asphyxia, or as it's more readily know The Choke & Jerk. I realize that you drop the nut of a lifetime doing this stuff, but nothing is worse than being in Thai hotel dead with a ribbon around your neck and dong. If you are into this thing, I strongly recommend you develop a Whip-It habit and burn one down in the beautiful haze of chemical intervention. Works pretty much the same and you seldom die.

Make a mess safely people,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

GAY FUNDRAISER UPDATE: LET'S GET WET!

2009-06-04T10:18:00.004-04:00

So far, I've been sent two vinyl records (Wham and Liza Minnelli), a 50% coupon for exfoliating cremes and this postcard from Bruce and TJ enjoying cocktails & water sports. I'm not sure which world you fuckers live in, but this stuff does NOT trade well in the weed/pills market. I reiterate my service paid to gay self-confidence in the 80s and plea for my due, cash settlement. Paypals to ridethemustache@gmail.com.

Weed service on the way,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

HALL & OATES & J-STACHE

2009-06-02T15:55:00.001-04:00

Sweet, fresh and funky. Get some.

J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

ME & RINGO

2009-06-02T14:20:00.003-04:00

I'm kind of a big deal.

Bull-whipping bitches,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

HOW TO STOP SMOKING CRACK: BOBBY BROWN

2009-06-01T11:17:00.002-04:00

Dr. Sucio Sanchez has me involved with some experimental therapies aimed at helping me quit crack. For a while, he had me pay a little person to junk-punch me every time I touched a pipe. That was working until I spiked the little fuckers afternoon coffee with mescaline and convinced him to join a travelling carnival.

Now, I'm supposed to watch this video any time I get the itch. Theory goes, seeing what a douche Bobby is will infiltrate my thoughts on the subconcious level and make me not want to smoke crack. So far so good, except I now have an over-powering urge to slap the shit out of Whitney Houston while wearing bike shorts and red tube socks. Progress.

Boner,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

AC 180: The De-Douching of Anderson Cooper

2009-05-29T09:55:00.005-04:00

From the outpouring of emails, IMs and text messages from my gay constituents, and I don't mean gay in any pejorative way, I mean the people who read this blog who play tummy sticks or scissors sisters, I am doing a 180 on Anderson Cooper.

Ok...it's true that they threatened to cancel my fundraiser. But, that's not why I'm going the other way here. Something happened last night when that Anderson was not there to host AC 360...I felt a little sad. I swallowed 3 perks, after 2 beers and wrote this:

O silver fox
With steely eyes painted blue
The guy with forehead wrinkles?
Yeah he's got those too!

I wonder if you'd be so kind
To allow a drunken mustache to rewind
And taken back the "fact" I said you're a douche
As to not offend my friends who are poufs

Now that I think of it
O how they're right
Anderson-mustache sandwich?
Let the fellas have a bite

Or nibble, or tickle or two
There ain't no AC 360 without a silver fox like you

Hoping for funds,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

NEW DOUCHE SUPER GROUP: THE FLAME BOTS

2009-05-28T10:49:00.002-04:00

I was approached by a label that will remain nameless to A&R a new douche super group being built around A-Rod, Dane Cook and Anderson Cooper. Seems like the "music" is going to be hip-hop beats against banal news and limp dick jokes. I spent an hour in a meeting debating whether Anderson should go by the moniker "Da Coop" or "A to Iz-C" given recent trends in male tastemakers aged 16 to 25.

We broke for lunch and I managed to lick up a whole sheet of acid for "inspiration". Gay Fundraiser, you're my only hope!!! Save me from the record machine!!!

Waiting for acid wave,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

KANYE WEST: IDIOT TALKS

2009-05-27T10:33:00.004-04:00

Upon the release of his "book", Kayne gleefully declared himself a "proud non-reader". I have told you about the dangers of goatees in the past. I've even given you douches the keys to the kingdom, yet when a goateed Idiot Talks, some hack found it fit to publish. Oy vey.

You can have a goatee, which I shall hence forth call a cock-target, and have talent. But talent sucks, I'm talking genius. MUSTACHIOED FUCKING MADMAN GENIUS HOMES.

I don't know shit about physics except that Einstein's stache proved that space and time are variable and the speed of light is constant. 60 years later, with the aid of a fistful of "special medicine" I proved that rock n' soul can and must be mixed for man to achieve his full potential.

MUSTACHES 1,000,000 COCK-TARGETS 0

F-Kayne,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

HIRED AND FIRED IN THE SAME WEEKEND

2009-05-26T10:58:00.002-04:00

Well friends. I'm unemployed again...and I don't give a fuck. I'm happy to rely on my gay friends and their fundraiser to keep me in weed.

My "sponsor" Doug got me a job at low-end department store that shall go nameless as I'm contacting my lawyer re: suing the fascists; firing a mustache for sexual perversion has got to be against some statues on retardation somewhere, yes?

Well, Friday was my first day. I snapped this photo of a sweet pair of fun bags over a changing stall wall on Saturday, got blown out Sunday. The fact they made we work the whole day before getting pink slipped was just cruel.

Dog track anybody?

Your mother,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

I KEEP CLEAN WHERE IT COUNTS

2009-05-21T11:07:00.003-04:00

I think you should too. You wouldn't put a dirty dish back in the cabinet, right? So why are you putting that bagel back brown love? Do the right thing, invest in some wipes and make your next party that much fresher.

You're welcome.
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

GAY PEOPLE...YOU OWE ME!!!

2009-05-21T10:35:00.004-04:00

For real though! Where would the whole gay movement be without the mustache??? Where would the mustache be without me?? Right!!!!

I'm for equality and social justice. Like, I gave to you, NOW FUCKING GIVE TO ME!!!

Gay people. I'm interested in you throwing a fund raiser for me. Certainly, I'll make an appearance on the promise of no funny business. If I am unavailable given my commitment to any number of illicit substances or alleged legal problems, I accept PayPal at ridethemustache@gmail.com.

Thank you,
J-Stache

Post Script.
S.A.T Question Committee take note! Rosa Parks is to Civil Rights as J-Stache is to LGBT Rights

Bookmark this on Delicious

POEM FOR APPLE BUTTS

2009-05-20T10:07:00.005-04:00

Sweet Lordy, Lordy
That's a dangerous butt hook
From the small of back
You launch one explosive tush

Of onion
Of apple
Of challah bread bump
Is this what the kids mean when they say "lady lumps"?

I want to watch you do squats
Let's do a couple of max out sets
Don't mind me darling
I'm just in the corner, pounding out my own reps

Post script:
Jessica Biel, please email me again. The rash is gone and I promise to get John Oates on the phone.

Waiting,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

SETH GODIN, LET'S PUSH THROUGH SOME DIPS BROTHER!

2009-05-20T09:53:00.003-04:00

Seth, somebody told me about your book, something like knowing when to quit and pushing dips and shit. I have no idea what any of that means. However, if you are looking to make it big on a blog or books, you gotta reach out man. I had my people do up a picture of what our partnership could look like. Fulfill your potential my man, we could start a pretty fresh side gig: Monopoly Guy appearances! I'm sure that we would stay in killer KB at all those gaming conventions, not to mention all the high end call girls who run those circuits.

Trim, trim!
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

THE BEST VIDEO OF ALL-TIME

2009-05-19T10:58:00.001-04:00

WHAT BITCHES???? I DARE YOU??? SAY SOMETHING!!

Bookmark this on Delicious

Memories of Saltillo, Mexico

2009-05-19T10:36:00.002-04:00

I was on the couch yesterday at Dr. Sucio Sanchez. He practices a tight verse of Jungian psychotherapy with some leanings on traditions rooted in the occult. In any event, we were into a transgression session using hypnosis when I apparently recounted my time in Saltillo, Mexico...something for which I have no conscious memories of. Here are the good doctor's notes from the session which he sent me off with for their "theraputic balue":

"Este es bigote maldito loco! Aléjate de mí! Por favor, por favor, por favor, acabar con el bigote! Matar este bigote ahora mismo!"

Anybody out there now what this jibberish means? Thanks.

J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

OF CAMEL TOE, UNCERTAINTY AND COLONICS

2009-05-18T10:09:00.002-04:00

I am officially torn on camel toe. On the one hand, it can be super awesome to get a look under the hood without renting the car. I can think of many poems inspired by overly aggressive spandex. Conversely, even I can get grossed out when the balance of good and bad gets tipped toward mayhem. Specifically, when sweat pants are involved, I have a problem.

Uncertainty is not a part of my world man!!! It's in or out!! Love or hate!! The blink test!

This was all made worse yesterday when I went for my first colonic. My shrink tells me it helps in kicking opiates, so fuck you and your judgments. The lady worked the nozzle with a gentle touch. She pitched me for like a half hour on positivity, aura and why I should become a "raw foodist", whatever the fuck that means.

Anyhow, that's when I saw it. She was smuggling a fist. It was epic. I reached for my iPhone but was still tethered by her tube. I became emotional. Was it the nozzle or the camel?? I don't know what to make of it all, man.

Certainty, please wash me over once more.

Anxious,
J-Stache.

Bookmark this on Delicious

BROOKLYN VEGAN OWES ME MONEY

2009-05-15T15:09:00.003-04:00

So. I'm just talking about people giving me my due man. I need my ends. Whoever runs Brooklyn Vegan and Sterogum, please know that I accept PayPal at ridethemustache@gmail.com

In 1986, I started a fax based new music newsletter called "I FIND HITS, HOOKERS". The cops claimed it was a front for a dial-in based weed delivery service but that has never been proven. Whatever. In the weeks to come, I'll post some newsletters as evidence of my A&R skills and the overall bad-ass nature of "I FIND HITS, HOOKERS".

We're talking cutting edge shit hefe. A tiny taste of the bands I was first on: Nirvana, Pearl Jam, MC Hammer (I needed the money), Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, REM.

"I FIND HITS, HOOKERS" birthed the entire music blog douche movement. Arcade Fire?? Claps Your Hands Whatever? VAMPIRE WEEKEND???? You owe me too.

Solid pimp-hand out,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

HOW TO GROW A MUSTACHE

2009-05-14T11:11:00.003-04:00

Alright dummies. I keep get emails for lame douche dudes asking me how to make a man-sized stache. Now any qwiff can grow a pencil dash across his top lip and pretend to be a cowboy. What I'm talking about is taking a shot at the title, talkin' about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield...I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up.

If you want a little extra space to be a man, partner up with a real stache. Here is my receipe for girthy growth:

1. Feed your dog 6 cans of Hormel Chilly
2. Collect his shit piles for an entire day
3. Bake those shit piles in the oven at 375 for 25 minutes
4. Remove and let cool for 1 min
5. Dip fingers in and sanchez yourself
6. Listen to "Voices" by Hall & Oates & J-Stache straight through, VINYL ONLY!
7. Repeat for 3 days in a row
8. Email your results to ridethemustacheATgmailDOTcom

You're welcome.

(From a rock n' soul icon who invented music television only to have it
stolen by corporate hacks)

J-Stache

Post-Script: Louis B...I expect big things from you.

Bookmark this on Delicious

SIDE PART MUSTACHE, CHEECH IS A PIMP

2009-05-13T13:14:00.004-04:00

For real, I'm not bullshitting here. I was pushing John Oates to do the Cheech side-part mustache. Look close man, that's some pimp sauce. No dice, Oates was too straight-laced. Mellow out man!

Anyhow, I did once eat a fistful of acid on accident and had a Halloween head from hell. It took like a week to not be afraid of toilet paper. I was jailed after using a Don Johnson's yard hose to clean my undercarriage. That guy was always a pantie-waste anyhow.

Watch more Cheech and Chong homes, it's good for you.

Your mama,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

WILCO (THE ALBUM): YOU'RE WELCOME

2009-05-13T13:04:00.004-04:00

I was brought in as a Creative Director on the latest Wilco studio project. If I'm not credited in the linear notes, I'll have a foot full of ass on somebody.

Anyway, the album artwork: totally my idea - a peyote dream scape of mine for some recent rock climbing outing.

Stream the album here:

Wilco (The Album)

You're welcome,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

ODE TO THE BIG STAR

2009-05-12T10:33:00.003-04:00

Tinkle, tinkle, my Big Star,
How I wonder where you are!
Hiding out in a Donut Delight,
Mauling bear claws late at night?

I miss feeding time,
Going to Mr. Zu's Chinese Buffet,
2 for 1 coupon, the early bird special
Talking shit about Walters,
Star 20, Plumbing 0.

Come back to us Big Star,
Sausage and pep on the house
(within reason)

Penned at Ruby's All Nude Cafe - Bridgeport, CT 3:17 AM May 11, 2009 as inspired by the heavyset dancer "Sugar".

Copyright protected.
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

Gary Dell'Abate Needs Me

2009-05-11T10:08:00.002-04:00

Oy Vey.
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

We Are The World: The After Party

2009-05-08T09:51:00.002-04:00

First off, why the fuck didn't me and Oatesie get a solo on this goofy track? Whatever, I'm not getting into it now.

I'm here to spill beans bitches.

So the after party, we were the world, and by that I mean we had an AROUND THE WORLD ON CINDI LAUPER.

Me and Huey Lewis with some help from Al Jarreau and The Kennys (Rogers & Loggins) got all types of twisted with Cindi. I don't remember how the nakedness started...but I do know I was the first to She-Bop.

Cindi is the real deal. She is NYC punk through and through. I'm down for a re-up so long as Loggins ain't around.

Still rock n' soul,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

Me and Gary Dell'Abate

2009-05-07T12:26:00.003-04:00

Since me and Oates are on the rocks, I'm looking for another JV deal in entertainment. Baba Booey is a talented producer...the man has been working for Howard Stern for like, forever or something

. I never hung out with the dude, but I can go out on a limb and say this: I can help with the horse-tooth-jack-ass issue. Hanging with a lip duster can cover any number of protruding tooth & oversized lip issues while helping you get all types of strange.

Gary, reach out my man! Have one of your minions call my agent! Let's make some sweet music, do some karate in the garage and bird dog some chicks up your way.

Sincerely,
J-Stache

Bookmark this on Delicious

Hall & Oates & Me plus An Aussie

2009-05-07T11:59:00.001-04:00

Bookmark this on Delicious

IT WAS RON J DUMMY!!!

2009-05-07T10:27:00.004-04:00

Ok, ok...so you all knew it was Ron Jeremy. Congratulations on that full scholarship to FU!

No, I didn't meet him at a swingers party dummy. Ron doesn't unzip his fly for less than $5K. Ron beat me out for the role of Dead Gums Malone in the ill-fated cop drama-ical "Perp Walk". Thanks a lot JJ.

Bookmark this on Delicious

Ode To Denise

2009-05-06T12:31:00.003-04:00

I'm alone with you.
But you're trapped in my TV set.
Your hair helmet is one thing
I shan't soon forget

Please, please, please
Touch your toes
I'll reach into the fridge
For one of your Idaho potatoes

Chop up some garlic
Rub in some oil
350 on bake
Wrap that bitch in tin foil
A little naughty time, lets make

Do some stretches
You taunt, I eat
Can you be this chipper
And have a dyn-o-mite backseat?

Denise, Denise
I don't run, jog or jump
But I'll surely count each reps
As you work your lady lumps

The End.

Publish Post

Bookmark this on Delicious

IS THAT MY MUSTACHE?

2009-05-06T12:09:00.004-04:00

YES BITCHES!!!

I will be outing all types of dirty birds in my series...IS THAT MY MUSTACHE? Yes! I will featured only staches that I have either: done blow with, seen at a swingers party, lost a daytime soap role to, or defecated on their respective doorstep. As I run out of the first three, I'll be eating lots of Tico Tacos and roaming the country side with a turtle poking. Please forward Selleck's home addy.

Out this bastard tomorrow.

Bookmark this on Delicious

NEW IM, CHICKS ONLY!!!

2009-05-05T15:49:00.003-04:00

In response to the multitude of emails I'm getting from ladies out there, I got on AOL IM. There is some other goat pretending to be me, but don't fall for those weak lines. Ladies only. You can reach me on AOLIM: therealjstache

Get some.

Bookmark this on Delicious

I NEED A JOB!!!!

2009-05-05T13:18:00.003-04:00

Alright...all you Facebook, Tweet, Tumblr douches. I need work. It's sure hard to stay high in this economy.

I just finished reading "What Color Is My Parachute". You're supposed to create a job that suits your strengths and passions, then "put it out into the world" and it will arrive.

So here it is, I now know my true calling. I was born to be a celebrity merkin. Look it up on Wiki dumbass.

I would like nothing more than to conceal the china of Hollywood's most classy stars. I had a mock up done. See above as it serves as my CV.

The agents of the following stars please reach out before my calendar gets filled up: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Olsen Twins, the less butch of the two Indigo Girls.

Can. Do. Go. Now. Make. Say. Be.

Bookmark this on Delicious

Sweet Dom D, Mustachioed Brother in Arms...Rest Up Nice

2009-05-05T13:13:00.000-04:00

Bookmark this on Delicious

2009-05-04T14:08:00.000-04:00

Bookmark this on Delicious

For The Record, I'd Still Shag Carrie

2009-05-04T13:14:00.001-04:00

Chewy Is Filthy

2009-05-04T11:07:00.004-04:00

Publish Post

I was digging through my vinyl this week, bleating like a goat with a vein full of tranquilizers, when I happened upon my pristine 1977 original Star Wars soundtrack. I figured what the douche cleat, why not get the speakers on the hardwood and blast some Imperial March at the fucker down stairs.

Now I rock one of those hip-cat Technics that you can scratch on and shit. Lifted it from an open van in Jersey some time back. Anyhow, I was a bit into the tune when I tripped near the turn table which hard-reversed the record. I heard a most disturbing sound...

Now when I say Chewy is filthy, you most likely not surprised. I mean, he's 8 feet tall, full on shag carpet and naked. Come to think it...so am I except for the 8 foot thing.

Whatever.

Me and Oates hung out with him at a Return of the Jedi party...seriously, the guy is a degenerate. First off, I saw him shit in the filter of George Lucas's pool. Not out of anger, just "being an artist" he said, if I recall correctly. And it surely is hard to recall anything correctly when you hang out with Chewy. Apparently, the weed on whatever plane wookies come from is the real deal man. Also, you find yourself engaging in strange sex acts that demand to be deleted from your memory by electric shock treatment or over indulgance in huffing kerosene.

BACK TO THE VINYL RECORD BITCHES!

Vinyl geeks. Go back to your '77 soundtrack and spin it in reverse. You will hear the most horrible sound imaginable: Chewbacca pounding one out to a R.O.F.Jedi photo of Carrie Fisher. Ever hear a wookie burn one down? If you're the dummy who lives in the apartment below, you most certainly have. Yeah Chewy!! Get some!!

Ode To Menudo (Tight Pants)

2009-05-01T09:50:00.004-04:00

Tight pack grip.
Ass cake surprise.
From ankle to hip.
Stretched on sweet thighs.

O lycra, O denim, O corduroy
5 types of sassy Latino boys
Tickle, tickle, say goo goo goo
My guess is that the dude's father all the way right in this photo is at least half Hebrew.

Long nights and late mornings,
And so wherever I may go
I take this laminated keepsake of The Boys in Tight Pants
That that world calls Menudo.

(yes...jamesbootyitch16849@aol.com, i have done blow off my laminated Menudo photo)

SWINE FLU! MAKING MONEY!

2009-04-30T11:49:00.003-04:00

My Swine Stache Mask hit the market today in Mexico bitches! Get yours today! Working on a mask that prevents getting The Clap in your eyes, although I must say, not being down there in the first place is the only sure fire way not to get clam-eyed.

What I Was Doing in the 90s

2009-04-30T10:45:00.003-04:00

I get a lot of questions from folks about what I was doing in the 90s. Yes, John Oates did shave me off in a cold Japanese hotel room and I have never fully forgiven him. But, I am an artist. I had to move on, man.

I did just that...in Thailand. I started a midget boy band called The Wee Pints. Rumors that we lifted melodies and dance routines from Menudo are COMPLETELY FALSE. Fuck those ass cakes!

Anyhow, turns out that the market for midget boys bands is relatively small, at least in Thailand. 6 months later, I leased the boys out to the ring. All that venom packed into a tiny little fist.

My Trip To The Zoo

2009-04-29T11:17:00.004-04:00

It was hot as all get out yesterday in NYC. Waking up, hung over on Night Train was a low feeling man. I went to the corner store for a pack of apple tops and saw Sully the Lab. Now normally, I don't mess with him cause he's one of those village freaks. You'll see him scamper round with a roach clip on his nuts, no wiser to the world.

Anyhow, Sully was all zooted up, substances unknown. He was on 36th & 10th ranting that he was going to the Zoo to take the fucker down. Seeing as I had no real plans for the day, I busted uptown with him. Some poor bastard on the train puked from the smell of Sully pinching a hot deuce when we crossed Simpson Street on the 5 train.

The danger in Sully's veins turned weird on him when we passed by the monkey farm at the Zoo. Straight away, he was randy. A moment later, the fucker jumped the tiger perserve fence and gave a sucker a good punching. Was planning to post video but the cops smashed my gear and gave Sully the ass kicking of a lifetime.

I'm Your Litter Box

2009-04-28T10:32:00.005-04:00

Stick me through with black boots.
Pull my stache, make me mad.
Let me wash you delicates.
Any of you get high with that chick who sings Rehab?
( I did)

I wonder where oh wonder me.
I wonder where the pussycats pees?
Do they all use the same litte sandy spot?
C'mere little pussycat.
Let me be your litter box.

Settle in nice.
Dig your claws in deep.
I'll lay here quiet.
Underneath your sheep.
Or goat.
Or lamb.
Or little lady part.

I'm your litter box baby.
I won't tell Perez who rips the worst fart...

Unless there is coke or weed in it.

Roll Your Ice In Chlorophyll

2009-04-27T11:19:00.003-04:00

Sliding some whiskey down in honor of my home boy, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, who 10 secs after the tape ran out on the camera, brained the brit douche doing the interview with a bottle. Spending the next 3 months running from a collection of law inforcement agencies was only to be expected.

Me and Solly O.

2009-04-25T15:55:00.005-04:00

So me and Stedman hang out. Sted likes whipits and fondu...kung-fu movies and ELO. He bangs Oprah pretty steady. I've seen her naked. It's totally for the money man. Sted is dead when it comes to dough.

For real though, some of you have written me to say I need to take time out and thank those who have helped me along the way. Ordinarily I would instruct you fuckers to shampoo my crotch. But the sight of Oprah's belly humbled me.

I'd like to throw a shout out to my main poodle Solomon pictured here between Sted and the O-izzy. Solly pulled my ass out the fire when a stray squirrel was attempting to sodomize me in the yard last week. Your my mofuckie Solly, stay gold.

Me and Rosie...For Springtime and Lovers

2009-04-24T15:51:00.002-04:00

Let's get one thing straight, she ain't a looker, but Rosie can full on shag homes. Back in the day, me and Rosie had a "lost weekend". On a spring day like this in NYC, I think of her naked, oiled body. We'd feed each other figs dipped in mayo, smoke a J then get all kinds of weird-funk-nasty. I hear Rosie is a scissor sister now, that's cool baby. I'm hip. My poem to Rosie:

Naked.
White.
A lot of white.
Why don't you use the toilet, it's faster.
Shame never felt so right.

A Song I Saved For Hall & Oates

2009-04-24T13:16:00.007-04:00

Word. I saved this song back in the day. John was hell bent on the lyric "He's a really funky mother" at which, after doing a line off a hooker's bottom, I laughed wildly and further derided by puking in John's coffee mug. JO...why do you break my heart man?? Looking at the lady to my left who I was hoping was a lap dancer, I blurted "you're a patent leather lover". Hits bitches, I write hits.